Hello and welcome to another episode of the Working Conversations podcast where we talk all things leadership, business, communication, and trends in organizational life. I'm your host, Dr Janel Anderson.

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to effortlessly make friends at work while others struggle? What if I told you that the key to forming meaningful relationships with your colleagues lies in one simple trait, curiosity.

In today's episode, we're not just going to talk about why having friends at work is important. We're going to dive deep into how you can use your curiosity to build a lasting relationship with someone at work, from exploring new interests to truly understanding your coworkers perspectives.

We'll cover practical tips and strategies that can transform your work life. So get ready to unlock the power of curiosity and discover how to make friends at work like never before. Let's dig in.

Now a couple of months ago, I did an episode titled Why You Need a Work BFF.I shared research that demonstrates both the personal and the organizational benefits of having a close friend at work, from boosting safety and profitability to alleviating loneliness and increasing engagement. The benefits are nothing short of remarkable. It was episode 159 and we'll link that up in the show notes.

Well, that episode struck a chord with some of my listeners, and they wrote in saying how much they appreciated the episode, but also how they struggled to make friends at work, especially in the post pandemic world. And they asked for tips and strategies for making those friendships at work. I thought I'd share the answers to their questions with all my listeners, in the hopes that it helps lots more of you find your way to close friendships at work, or at least friendship to begin with.

Now first, it is important to be realistic about having a close friend at work. For most people, it isn't going to happen overnight, and you must be initially collegial and friendly towards one another before becoming close friends, at least most of the time. Now, there are occasional times when you meet someone, say, like during new employee orientation, and you hit it off immediately. But those weren't the people who were writing to me.

The people who were writing to me were lonely, and they wanted to bridge that loneliness, but they didn't exactly know how to make a friend at work. So that's what we're going to dig into today. And remember, we're going to focus on building friendships at work with the promise of one or more of them becoming a close friend over time, not overnight. Now, before we get into the how, let's talk about the why.

Why is it so important to have friends at work from a psychological and social perspective? Having friends at work fulfills several fundamental human needs. First of all, it covers our need for belonging. Now, if you're familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs, you know that social belonging is a core human need, just above basic physical needs like food and safety.

When we feel a sense of belonging, it enhances our overall well being and satisfaction, and this is especially true in the workplace, where we spend a significant portion of our lives, whether that is in a work from home or hybrid or work from the office environment.
Having friends at work makes us feel connected and valued, which directly impacts our happiness and our productivity and our want to stay at that job.

Next, there's trust and rapport. Building trust with colleagues is essential for effective collaboration and teamwork. When you have a friend at work, you're more likely to trust them, share ideas freely and provide honest feedback, and all of those things make the workplace better, they all lead to better communication and more successful projects and better functioning teams overall.

Then there's the idea of shared experiences. Shared experiences create bonds that are stronger and more resilient than when you just superficially know somebody, when you and your colleagues go through the same challenges, celebrate the same successes and navigate the same office politics, it creates a unique connection that can turn a coworker into a friend.

Moreover, having friends at work can significantly reduce stress and anxiety. Knowing that you have someone to talk to, someone who understands you, someone who understands the work environment and the pressures that come with the job. Well, that can be incredibly comforting.

It provides a support system that's built right in at work and that can help you navigate tough times and celebrate the good ones and in the midst of doing so, it can help mitigate burnout.

Now lastly, let's not forget about vulnerability and authenticity. Friendships, whether they're at work or outside of work, do require a level of vulnerability, showing your true self and sharing those personal stories when you're authentic with your colleagues, it fosters a deeper connection and a more supportive work environment for everyone involved. People appreciate honesty and openness, which can lead to stronger and more meaningful relationships.

Now, of course, there is a risk in being vulnerable and in being your authentic self, and I want to encourage you to take that risk, and we'll talk about taking some baby steps into those risks so that it's not quite so intimidating.

Now, if you want to know even more about the why and the business case for having a close friend at work, make sure you check out Episode 159 where I explain all of that, both from the organization standpoint and the individual standpoint. It is so important.

Now with some understanding of why making friends at work is so crucial. Let's dive into some of the more practical steps and tips on how to actually do it. So I'm going to start with three actionable strategies that you can start implementing today.

The first one is initiate small talk. So at the beginning of meetings, when everyone isn't there yet, start by engaging in some small talk with your colleagues. It can be as simple as commenting on the weather, discussing weekend plans, or talking about a recent movie or TV show or your favorite sports team. Small talk really is the gateway to deeper conversations. It shows that you're approachable and interested in getting to know your coworkers.

Now, even if small talk is not your forte, I want to encourage you to just simply ask a question of others and it again. It doesn't have to be a super deep question. It can be about the weather or weekend plans or something lighthearted. I'm always a big fan of the national calendar, where there's a national day of everything, or an international day of everything, favorite pizza topping, you know, it's adopt a pet day, whatever it is, just find out a little something about your colleagues through starting some small talk.

The second strategy is to find common interests. So look for common interests or hobbies. Maybe you both love hiking, or you share a passion for cooking, or you have kids around the same age, or maybe you love camping. So find those common ground topics that's going to give you a foundation to build upon, and it's going to be easier to ask follow up questions or to circle back with them in a future conversation.

Now, some larger organizations also have workplace clubs or groups that align with your interests or other facets of your personality or your identity, or you could even start a new one if your organization doesn't do that or doesn't have one that suits your interest.

Now, a third thing that you can do is offer help and support. Most of us don't like to ask for help, but when help or support is offered, we're much more likely to take somebody up on it. So be willing to help your colleagues out when they need it. Offering assistance on a project or lending in an ear when someone is stressed, really can show that you care.

So those small acts of kindness and support go a long way in building trust and in building camaraderie and leading to friendship. Now, if these three strategies right there feel daunting and put you out of your comfort zone, let me remind you of your superpower in building relationships, both at work and outside of work, your superpower in building relationships is curiosity.

So let's dive deep into the realm of curiosity and understand the three forms it can take and how you can use them to build relationships at work. Now, curiosity is a powerful tool for forming connections, because it shows genuine interest in others.

I'm going to share three types of curiosity, diversive curiosity, empathic curiosity and epistemic curiosity, and I'll show you how each of them can help you develop meaningful relationships with your colleagues at work.

Okay, the first one diversive curiosity. Now, if you haven't heard of this before, this is about seeking novelty. It's about the excitement of discovering new things. It drives us to explore the unknown and seek out novel experiences. Now it can also help us seek out novel things about our coworkers. So imagine a new colleague joins your team. You could express diversive curiosity by asking them about their previous work experiences, or asking them about their hobbies or their favorite travel destinations, or if they have a family. So this not only helps break the ice, but it also shows that you're interested in getting to know them beyond the surface level.

Now remember, with vulnerability and a new colleague, you don't want to go too deep too fast, but just simply asking them about some of their hobbies or their previous work experiences or their family is a great way to break the ice and to get to know them a little bit better.

Now, here's another way that you could use diversive curiosity in forming relationships at work. If your company has a social event or some sort of new initiative, or maybe is bringing in a guest speaker like me, take the opportunity to learn more about the event and discuss it with your colleagues. For instance, if there's a new project management tool that's being introduced, you could say, “Hey, I heard we're starting to use Kanban boards. Have you used them before? What do you think about it?”

This is going to open up a conversation about shared experiences and new knowledge, or maybe it's going to open up a lack of knowledge that the both of you share, in which case you could learn about Kanban boards together. So it either way, whether there's common knowledge there, or knowledge on one side or no knowledge, it will still give you a starting point from which to continue the relationship and continue the conversation. So the application of diversive Curiosity is to start conversations and learn about your colleagues, interests, backgrounds, perspectives, past, work experiences and so on. And this will help you find common ground, and it will start sparking engaging conversations. So that is diversive curiosity, seeking novelty.

Now the second kind of curiosity, and this is so helpful, is empathic curiosity. This is all about understanding others. So empathic curiosity involves understanding another person and seeing the world through their eyes. It's about genuinely wanting to know what others think and feel.

Now here's where we do have to use a certain measure of responsibility when attempting to be empathetic with others. We do have to acknowledge what are the borders, what are the perimeters of our shared experience with them when we genuinely want to know what others think and feel, that's one thing, but pretending or acting as if, we do know what they think and feel, is a very, very different thing.

So when somebody has a very different lived experience from you. You can't just pretend that you know what it's like to be them. Now, let's just look at a couple of examples. If a colleague seems stressed or overwhelmed, you can approach them with your empathetic, curiosity, you might say, “Hey, I noticed you’ve been really busy lately. or I was trying to see if we could have coffee together, and I saw your calendar is just booked solid. Is there anything I can help with?”

Now, when you address the person from a stance of empathic curiosity like this, asking if you can help, you're showing that you care about the other person's well being and that you're willing to support them. That's very, very different than saying, like, Oh, I was there too. My calendar was once that booked as well. So again, we don't want to, like, pretend that we have the same experience that they do, but we want to demonstrate our understanding of their actual experience.

Now here's another way you might use empathic curiosity. So during a team meeting, if a colleague shares an idea or a concern or a problem, you could follow up with questions that show you understand their perspective, or that you want to learn more about their perspective. You might say something like, “Well, that's an interesting point. Can you tell me more about how you see this affecting our project, or can you tell me more about times when you've experienced this in the past and how you resolved it?”
This is going to encourage open communication and demonstrate that you value the other person's input, especially if it's something that you haven't dealt with before.

So here's how to use empathic curiosity. You're going to ask those questions to build deeper connections by showing your genuine concern for your colleagues feelings and experiences. Now, if you've had similar experiences and feelings yourself, just use a measure of caution, so that you're not stumping all over their particular experience, but rather engaging them and getting them to share their experience. This approach fosters trust, and it creates that supportive work environment that we all so much crave.

All right, the third type of curiosity is epistemic curiosity, which comes from the word epistemology, which is about learning, and this is all about developing deeper understanding. So epistemic curiosity is a deeper more directed quest for understanding. It's about seeking to learn and comprehend more about a specific subject.

So let's take a look at a couple of examples. Suppose a colleague is an expert in their area, and it's adjacent to your area, but not something that you're super familiar with, like data analysis or graphic design. You can show epistemic curiosity by asking them to explain their work in more detail. You could say, “Hey, I've always been fascinated by graphic design or color theory or whatever it is, but, you know, I don't know that much about it. Can you walk me through just a couple of basics in terms of how you would approach a new project? Because this will help me understand my work and how it connects with your work and the graphic design of our products better.”

So when you start a conversation like that, this not only helps you learn, but it also shows how much you value the other person's expertise. Now again, you want to make sure that you're careful not to overstep, because it's not like they're going to explain something in five minutes and you're going to be able to take their job. So let's be realistic about your application of wanting to learn more about their area of expertise and how you plan on using it responsibly.

Now here's another example, if your company is undergoing a major change, such as implementing a new strategy or a new methodology or a new policy, take time to understand the rationale behind it, asking questions like, can you explain how this new strategy is going to benefit our team and save the company money? And ask it not from a cynical place, but ask it from a place of like genuine curiosity.

We have to be genuine and authentic in our curiosity, otherwise it is going to backfire. But when you ask questions like that, you're demonstrating your interest in the bigger picture, and in wanting to be involved, and in wanting to develop support for whatever the change initiative or new thing is, because once you have that deeper level of understanding of the why, then you can be an advocate for it, and you can be an evangelist for getting other people on board as well.

So here's how to use epistemic curiosity. You can use it to engage in meaningful conversations that deepen your understanding of your colleagues, roles of your colleagues, projects, or experience and expertise, or in asking your leaders for the background behind changes and different things that are happening in the organization.

So this approach not only broadens your knowledge, but it also strengthens the professional relationships, and it shows respect to your colleagues skills and insights, because they know more about certain areas of work than you do. And in an ideal world, the way relationship building works is it's reciprocal. So after you've asked them something about themselves, and they've disclosed and shared, it's quite natural for them to turn the tables in ask you back.

So Individual results may vary, and it's not always going to play out that way, but it often does, because, again, that's just the reciprocal nature of human communication and relationship building.

All right, now with this deeper knowledge of curiosity under your belt, you can go back to my first three tips, initiate small talk, find common interests and offer help and support, and you can do them from a place of curiosity, which will make for a much easier entry point into conversation and relationship building. Remember your goal is to make friends at work first and see which one or ones evolve into closer relationships.

Making friends at work is more than just a nice to have. It's essential for our well being, for our productivity and our overall job satisfaction. And remember, for most of us, this is a long game. You're not likely to make a work BFF overnight, and if you try to, it might backfire. You might come across too strong, and your attempts might absolutely do the opposite of what you intended. We want you to make a friend at work, not creep someone out.

All right, by harnessing the power of genuine curiosity, whether it is seeking novelty through diverse of curiosity, understanding others through empathic curiosity, or delving deeper into subjects with epistemic curiosity, we can build meaningful and lasting relationships with our colleagues. So take the initiative, be curious and start building those friendships. You'll be amazed at how much it can positively impact your work life.

Remember making a friend at work isn't just about having someone to chat with during breaks. It's about creating a support system enhancing your work experience and ultimately improving your overall well being. So get out there, be curious and start making those connections you've got this.

Remember, the future of work is not only about technology, it's about the values we uphold, the communities we build, and the sustainable growth we all strive for. We need to keep exploring, keep innovating and keep envisioning the remarkable possibilities that lie ahead. As always, stay curious, stay extra curious, my friend, stay informed and stay ahead of the curve.

Tune in next Monday for another insightful exploration of the trends shaping our professional world. If you enjoy this content and you're watching on YouTube, make sure you hit the subscribe button and knock that little bell so that you get notified every time there's a new episode out. I'm also making other videos over there on YouTube too.

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